Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
