i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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