I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
