I could have mohawked her pubes.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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