So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
