This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize