no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
