The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
