When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
