Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
