your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
