My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize