I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
