the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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