I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize