my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
