GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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