I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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