Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
