did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
