she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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