At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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