well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
