tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
