this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The best revenge is premature balding
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
