If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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