and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
