im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
