my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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