i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
