I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
