I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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