Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
