I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
