I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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