Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
