Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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