Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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