I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
