I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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