My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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