well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
