You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up under a house in Key West
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