1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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