I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
