Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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