you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
