I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
