We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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