I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
