I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just want to make out with him forever
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
