I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't deserve a penis
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize