unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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