I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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