I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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