So drunk its hurt
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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