Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
