I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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