I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
