I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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