Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
