I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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