I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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